I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
