I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
