As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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