I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
