so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
