So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
