Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
