I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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