You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
