I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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