She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
