So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
