He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
