oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?