please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.