Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
