I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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