I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
