They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
