You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
