I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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