I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Houston, we have a squirter
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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