so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
