walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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