rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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