he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
