Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
