it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
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