My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
