just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
