Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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