I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
