I met the friendliest cop last night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Randomize
