The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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