Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
