nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Randomize
