i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
