I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
