i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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