He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
