ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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