I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
my phone needs a breathalizer
i just google imaged poop.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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