I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
BRING THE BAGELS
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
