I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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