Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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