She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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