I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
