your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
