so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
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he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
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It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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