You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
