woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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