Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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