If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
