Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
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