and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
