How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
