I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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